what do you want to be loyal to?

Acknowledging your trauma as a child of an immigrant can often feel like a betrayal to your family. And while there may be multitudes of us who feel this tension, we feel it in silence too often.

Your family’s immigration story will look different from others’ but it may share some themes of hardship: isolation, economic instability, discrimination, long hours at work, a sense of general chaos. You may feel protective of your parents because they have endured so much already. You may have even been told you were worth their suffering. It’s not a large leap of logic to hear that and feel responsible for their suffering. And sometimes, as much love and commitment as there is in your family, fear and resentment can also take up so much space due to the presence of explosive conflicts, consistent avoidance, poor boundaries, and more.

It might feel selfish to open the box of your own suffering. You play the game of “Whose suffering is worse” and you always seem to lose, so you don’t let yourself access your own suffering, even when it’s at the hands of your parents.

If my mom doesn’t cry about her past, then what right do I have to complain?

I hate the way Dad talks to me when he’s upset but what can I do? That’s just who he is.

If I walk away from my parents, they’ll have no one else left. I can’t do that to them.

So often, children of immigrants are left feeling like they have to maintain the family status quo out of loyalty and that may mean not allowing themselves to look inwards, not allowing themselves to set healthy boundaries or express their emotions towards their family. But what if the status quo is born of trauma and births further trauma? The sense of family loyalty and compassion one might have for their parents can keep one from acknowledging and processing the trauma they've faced within their family. 

The suspension and avoidance of looking too closely at the intergenerational trauma comes at a price. It keeps you entrapped in powerlessness and passivity. It keeps you hostage to the traumatizing patterns you never wanted for your parents so that you become another victim of your parent’s trauma.

If any of this resonates for you, know you are not alone in this struggle. Know you have the ability to hold immense complexity within yourself. Know you can create a new status quo for you. And know you get to choose who or what you are loyal to.

If you are interested in seeking counseling services with me within the state of Washington, contact me.